The Whole World is Falling Apart, but We're Okay!

Holly Shit! Where have we been? The last bastion of Gonzo Journalism is gone! The website is gone! Was it the drugs? Maybe a massive heart attack? Were they all on an assignment at the same time, abducted by aliens and dropped onto another planet?

We had a system malfunction that crashed the website, and we dragged our feet getting it back up and running. It’s not glamorous or fun, but it happened. The alcohol and dope didn’t help, but that wasn’t the real culprit. A lack of motivation caused the temporary halt of articles.

What’s happened around the nation since our last article? Uncle Joe attempted to make everyone happy and bent backward to reach across the aisle—an aisle wider than the Grand Cannon, an aisle that is impossible to transverse. When you attempt to shake the hand of your enemy, and they stab you to death while you show them the old jester of not having a weapon, it would seem the Democrats would learn, but alas, they have not.

There was the bipartisan infrastructure bill that funneled 1 trillion dollars into unknown projects intended to put construction workers to work and build the economy. Meanwhile, three years later, bridges are collapsing all around us in Baltimore.

The first significant gun safety bill was passed. After a shooter in Uvalde, Texas, entered a school and murdered the children and, the police were too big of pussies to stop them, cowering outside of a classroom listening to the shooter take out kids. Finally, a border patrol officer getting a haircut nearby heard the call on his radio, grabbed a shotgun, and took out the shooter. What did the bill do, you might ask; it is incentives for states to pass so-called red flag laws that allow groups to petition courts to remove weapons from people deemed a threat to themselves or others, prevent people convicted of domestic abuse from owning a gun even if they were dating, and expands background checks on people between the ages of 18 and 21. Essentially, it’s another measure that is too little too late from this geriatric government.

Biden's significant achievement is access to affordable health care. The number of uninsured dope addicts is at an all-time low of 7.2% in the second quarter of 2023, while the number of people who signed up for an Obamacare plan for 2024 surged to 21.3 million. That’s nice that the healthcare industry, which should be free, can rape and pillage the American public.

Job growth in Biden’s first three years outperformed any previous president. After millions lost their jobs during COVID, they are returning to work. Unsurprisingly, a Democrat is in office, and employment is increasing. This is a trend we have seen before. Just the sheer stupidity of the Republicans’ strategy is enough to understand that any Democrat can outperform any Republican in growing the economy and jobs.

The corporations in America saw the pandemic and attempted to help in any way they could. Sike, bitch! They fucked us and increased prices on everything, driving up corporate profits to record numbers. The rapid disinflation under Biden is unmatched in modern history. He has been able to deal with the issue somewhat. Although inflation is still up, it has dropped by 9.1% and has been rangled back to almost pre-pandemic numbers.

The goal of net-zero emissions by 2050 requires $1 trillion in transition investment now, but we aren’t doing that. Jesus fucking Christ, that money could go towards war. Fuck the environment. We need weapons; we’re fucking Americans.

It costs a single person one hundred thousand dollars to live comfortably this day and a family of four two hundred thousand. The Federal Reserve data show household net worth rose to a record $156.2 trillion at the end of the fourth quarter of 2023 from $131.4 trillion at the end of 2020. This means we are better off financially than we ever have been. However, everyone thinks the economy is negative for Biden. In reality, we have always been fucked financially unless you're a boomer and lived through the golden years of the 90s or you had that boomer inheritance passed down to you, but we are too tired of scraping by to see it’s easier to scrape by right now.

Biden has encouraged states to use stimulus money on law enforcement, and this has lowered violent crimes throughout the United States of America. The FBI reported an 8.2% nationwide drop in violent crime. This hasn’t stopped random nutts from murdering folks at various venues with an AK-47; one never knows if they are making it back home when they walk out the door.

Despite all Biden’s successes, it still feels like he’s failing to some degree. He’s old and out of touch with the American public, but that’s the government in general. No matter how many times he puts on the aviators and drives the Corrvete around, he’ll never be the cool dude, and he doesn’t get that.

He made promises he couldn’t keep, such as canceling all student loans. He has canceled $138 billion in student loans, but it’s insufficient. Every round of cancelations has all these strings attached: must be a service worker, must have paid 95% of the loan already, and must have six toes and fingers on at least one hand. In the short term, Student Loan companies are taking advantage of people and lying to them about navigating the on-ramp. They are only about collecting the money. I wonder if the Republicans would let me get my loans forgiven if I were dropped into a foreign country with a rifle and ammo and then indiscreetly killed people minding their own business in the name of America. I ask because they will drop a trillion on the military quickly. 905.5 billion was spent on the military last year, and 1.7 trillion is needed to pay off student loans. One billion a year transferred to student loans could pay them off in 11 years. China spends 292.0 billion a year on its military, the second most expensive budget in the world. We can remove one billion a year and easily still be the most significant, worst motherfuckers in the world. At the very least, make student loans dischargeable in bankruptcy; the dumbest thing Biden ever did was remove student loans from bankruptcy protections.

Fucking Hamas went into Israel and viciously raped and murdered everyone they could get their hands on. It was the worst attack on a Jewish population since the Holocaust. The liberal quickly backed the terrorist organization and began to display their antisemitism. People shouted about reading Osama Bin Ladens Letter to America and all its good points. Ignored or changed the history of Israel to paint Jews as colonizers, when, in fact, that is the only successful decolonization throughout history. These sick fucks want peace at all costs, even if that means eradicating the Jewish population. News flash, the religious extreamest wouldn’t stop at Iseral they would set their sites in the next country. This is why Egypt and all the other Middle Eastern Muslim countries don’t support the Palestinians. Their religious, fanatical government will not stop at Israel.

The fucking Wombat is running for president again. This time, he has 40 felony charges in the classified documents case. The most serious charge carries a penalty of up to 20 years in prison. Four indictments include conspiracy to defraud the United States government and to obstruct an official proceeding: the congressional certification of Joe Biden’s victory. He was indicted in New York in March on state charges stemming from hush money payments made during the 2016 presidential campaign to bury allegations of extramarital sexual encounters. Trump has pleaded not guilty to 34 felony counts of falsifying business records, which has cost him lose his businesses in New York. He violated the state’s anti-racketeering law by scheming to overturn his 2020 election loss illegally. A judge has ordered Trump and his companies to pay $355 million as a penalty in a civil proceeding, which he has stated he can’t pay. He has to pay another $83.3 million to E. Jean Carroll for his continued social media attacks against the longtime advice columnist over her claims that he sexually assaulted her in a Manhattan department store. This fuck is winning the Republican primaries easily. It’s fucking crazy and doesn’t feel based in reality but it is. Here we are again with the worst person in the world gaining support and traction; hell, he said if he’s reelected, he’ll go after political rivals and intends to remove the democracy process from our system. He’s old as dirt, unathletic, fat, eats poorly, and is a horrible person, but these right-wing nut jobs love it!

Fuck! I can’t do anything more with this article. I’m excited for the sports section. I wonder what T.D. will write about. Maybe one of the fishing trips, that bachelor party with the gold flakes, the hogs, drugs, dope, guns, jeeps, driving fast, cops not pulling us over, the late night airport trip, jamming with the band, there’s so much coming. Don’t worry, y’all, we got stories backlogged and stored on recording devices. Hell, I even heard Matt moved to Idaho, where he now runs a commune that treats the dogs better than the humans. Hell, you might even say they worship them. Our beer and fine wines corespondent is in Colorado with no lack of topics to write on. He has even traveled the world more and I’m sure is excited to tell you all about it.

Oh shit… The mushrooms are taking hold it’s time to go on a trip…